When Sophie and Delilah began their love affair - after four days of Dilly moping around like a toyless kid in Walmart - I worried about Sir Sophie’s puggy eyes, her insect-like head (wedged in Dilly’s mouth), her prairie dog body (being tossed around like a nerf football). I stood over the two and hollered [...]

Maybe it’s because they’re often good looking people I notice it more. Young well-dressed couples coming back from dinner and drinks, headed for their car or a better avenue to grab a cab. One of them inevitably notices one or more of the dogs, crying “puppies” in a voice not unlike that which I use [...]

Transmission:
Feedback log for implantation unit K-9.5498C interrupted during data wash sequence. Affirmation Mother Ship?
Transmission:
Mother Ship confirms data wash sequence interruption for unit K-9.5498C.
Transmission:
Awaiting further instructions, Mother Ship.
Transmission:
Copy, Alpha Central… proceed with reinduction. Should wash not take, terminate K-9 unit on Mother’s signal, copy.
Transmission:
Copy, Mother Ship. Proceeding with rewash. Preparing for termination of unit whatever the [...]

Do you love me?
I was just asking. It’s not a big deal or anything. I mean I’m a model, so you probably do. Right?
My partner gets so jealous when people look at me, or pet me. She can be such a little bitch. I like that. I like that she’s jealous. She’s really into me. [...]

Intake Sheet:
Date: 9 - 14 - 2009
Subject: Sophie B.
Subject, a 10-month old female pug, admitted for psychoanalytic treatment by parents Frank and Yulia B. Purported behavioral abnormalities include psycho-predeterminate ideation (flatulance), catastrophic admonstrosity (potty mouth), agitational preconjecture (visible asshole) and agoratriconosis-mortabueno (serial killer-in-waiting).
Subject shows clinical and agnostic tendencies toward profound benignity and a pronounced need [...]

You think I’m cute? I’ll kill all you motherfuckers. Just look at those dewclaws. You think I’m kiddin’? That’s what all my vics think… yeah I watch Law & Order, too; they got all the lingo. Anyway, as I was sayin’, I kill people. People just like you - who don’t think I kill people. [...]

Yulia’s mom, Kiew, is afraid of Delilah’s tail. I think that says a lot, since, when we first rescued Delilah from the city pound the chorus that rang out from west to east was “Ach Frankie, get rid that dog , I’m tellin’ ya!” from my dad and “I’ll get you any other Dog Yulia, [...]

Oh Yankee Candle,
My one and ever-smelling God
Release thine divine
Vanilla Cupcake
Forgiving fragrance
So that I might wipe
These unblessed tears
And drench mine
Stoking nasal hairs…
For surely as
I write
Sophie farted.

Are you a dog walker? The single most often-asked question when accompanied by pit, pug and mutt in Manhattan. “No, I’m a dog sucker.” The now canned response, once a quick quip.
My first entry’s about the mutt. But not just any mutt… a fiery orange, fluffy coated, duster-tailed beauty my brother Jim and I rescued [...]